With a few shivering days left on my 4:th decade and also halfway through my life – I find myself in a very vulnerable and raw space. I feel subtle changes in my physical and emotional body. As I also move into menopause this time of my life feels like a death. A death of the known and familiar. A death of my previous first half of life. A death of my fertile body and the mysterious river of moon blood with the ability to create life. It also feels somehow like an awakening. That something new and unfamiliar is being born. The experience is extra strong since I am also leaving the first half century of my life behind. The changes are there, not so visible or tangible but there they are nevertheless. I find myself in a intimate space very close to myself. Close to life. Close to death. Also somehow close to God/ or Source or what you want to call it. Like I am in between. There are a lot of mixed emotions in this space between the old and the new – the bridge between life and death.
I feel a lot of grief and cry a lot, very easily for no visible reason. Yet I know somehow that this is the part of my transition. That it is a natural part moving from one life to another. Almost like a portal, a passage. I simply allow the river of salty tears move me through these uncertain days into a new destination. I cry and surrender. It is like I integrate my whole life up until now as well as letting things go. I do it through the tears, the water element and a deep transformation.
The tears makes me flow into my new body, into a new timeline and into the unknown. Not to know this new body of mine, this new destination and this new timeline frightens me at times. Doubts and insecurities wash over me and I feel lost. If possible I am becoming even more sensitive and my senses seems sharper. Every emotion and feeling is
enhanced. I do know that this is part of the process. That there is a bigger plan at work and I can lean on to this without knowing anything. I know I can allow the Universe to work through me – trust that a new life will emerge after this experience of dying. Another cycle is coming to an end. Another layer falls off. The creation – and balance – of life and death. Another possibility to come even closer to myself and the essence of who I am at a core level.
Who am I at a soul level? Why am I here?
These are the questions that I have asked myself many times before. They are the same questions that I have tried to find answers to so many times before. In previous timelines and explorations, previous bodies and in previous cycles. In every big crise I have ever had. Each and one of the crise creates personal growth, great learnings and also evolution. I think there are the questions most humans ask themselves at least one time during their life time.
I have always been a seeker – in the search for myself and the meaning of my life. I have always felt I did not belong here – like I am an alien. So for as long as I can remember I have been on a quest of who I am and why I am here. I have studied a lot. Taken on many different courses and long programs in personal development – with many teachers and gurus. I have travelled around the world to find myself – and inner peace. I have been through hell and back. I do have explored relationships, marriage and family life. It is and has been an ongoing journey to retrieve, claim and accept different bits and parts of myself. Like putting a puzzle together. The more pieces that comes into the puzzle – the more whole and beautiful the image that emerge is. So I always searched, but never really knew for what – and I did not always look in the right places. And I never really seemed to find myself out there. It is always an inside job.
Through each layer and each cycle that has been peeled off – it seems like I am closer to myself. After many decades of severe sleeping disorder, depression and being suicidal I have slowly – piece by piece – found my way home to my heart. The rehabilitation – it actually means to be fully present in the body again – from my mental illness was obviously one very profound piece of my life puzzle. For you who wants to know more about my journey from mental illness – see my autobiography “2:47am The Journey Home to My Heart”. This transition period where I am right now is a lot about forgiveness and reconciliation. To forgive myself for all the pain and suffering I have caused myself and therefore also others. The more I do forgive myself – the more free I will be. This too is an ongoing journey.
Another very important piece for was the knowledge that I am a so called starseed/pathfinder/empath etc. This, for me, explains a lot why I never felt at home here. My origin is from another place. Another galaxy.
The third and very profound piece of the puzzle that I want to share with you is my Soul Reading and Karma Clearing that I did. This deep reading and clearance really answered my questions of “who am I at a soul level” and “why am I here?” It was such an amazing feeling to know my souls blue print. It made so much sense. It was like coming home – being able to remember all of me. My souls divine origin is from a planet called Vega, from there to Sirius and so on. To get to know both the gifts and also the challenges from my souls origin has taken my healing journey onto the next level.
If I may use a metaphor that we all are like a “ten layered cake”. Our physical bodies are in the 3:rd layer, the third dimension which is the most dense energetically speaking. Our thoughts and beliefs systems etc are in the 4:th layer, the fourth dimension. Our souls are in the 5:th layer, the fifth dimension and above. As divine human beings we all have our own free will. Yet there might be many different sorts of vows, contracts and programs etc from previous lifetimes that clouds our free will. These contracts reside in the unconscious /or subconscious minds – and in the memories of our souls. Our individual – as well as our collective – souls hold all information, memories and the total experience of all previous life times and reincarnations. The Akashic records is where our individual souls are “stored”. It is here you can get your Karma Clearing done. To “reset” your soul. In this reset you are aligned with who you are on a soul level. You also get more access to more divine life force from Source.
One life time that has revealed itself for me was a life time many lifetimes ago. It is in the nine hundred century. In this lifetime I was in a male body. By free will I chose to join a spiritual authority for the personal gain of money and power. When I joined this group I made my first bad choice that was not in alignment with my souls origin. And as I joined this organization I got like an etheric implant
– a “chip” and I took some vows. That was my second poor choice and misaligned me even more. In this organization I met a woman, we fell in love and we married each other. Somewhere along the line in this organization I needed to sacrifice my wife. I killed her and sacrificed her to please the organization. By doing so I made a very bad decision and it took me further away from my souls origin. And the ripple effects of this were massive. When I killed my wife she cursed me, with the energetic program of suffering. I also lost some percentage of my soul as I did this horrible deed. The spiritual organization tampered with my memory, and I signed other contracts of obedience for instance. All these programs have been running in my unconscious mind since then. They have been stored in the memory of my soul. These programs/vows/contracts have influenced my previous lifetime more that I have ever known. I was totally unaware about all this that was stored in my soul, in my Akashic record.
So my whole life I have had the unconscious programs energetically running as suffering and obedience. No wonder my life was such a struggle. No wonder there was so much pain. No wonder I perceived myself as a victim when I was depressed and burned out. No wonder I experience all this grief and the need to forgive myself – and everybody – everything where I am right now! My perception back then was that all this pain and suffering somehow just happened to me. Like I had no responsible in it whatsoever. Now I know better. I know that I created my reality through my thoughts, limited beliefs and feelings about myself. I am – and have always been – responsible for my life and what I reality I chose to create.
When I cleared my Karma I accessed to more divine lifeforce from Source. I freed myself from soul loss, from negative etherical implants, vows and programs. I retrieved and claimed all scattered soul fragmentations. I became whole. I became free. From this space I have gained access to more of everything. More power. More love, compassion and joy. More possibilities. More freedom – free to be me. More abundance. More life!
So this Karma clearing is one vital piece of the puzzle for this starseeds soul story. My heart is pure and my vision is clear. I have forgiven myself and others. I am forgiven. The different bits and pieces are aligned. They are integrated in me so I can let go. And the puzzle seems whole and complete. At least for now as I leave the first half of my life and move into the second half ;)… I am ready. Life is, and will always be a mystery – and this is one of my soul stories.